What are my thought processes?

You asked me what they were quite some time ago
I never answered that request for I didn’t really know
I push the ball out every day and watch it roll away
And hope I have not made a mess of everything today.
I wait for things to happen and hope it is the Lord
I talk to Him in these long long days, more mistakes I can’t afford.
How will I know when I’ve done wrong? That’s when the phone will ring
And a loved one starts berating me. I could give up everything.
My struggles have gone on far too long. Why didn’t God give up?
Just one more day will be too much Dear Lord, I’ve had enough!
For those I love I’d give my life but now they’re distant, cold
Am I too needy, wanting love or am I just too old?